Helped

Sorry about the last post.

I am now feeling better. Several theories as to why, but it all came about quite suddenly today, and things just aren't weighing so heavily on me now. Not through yet but the worst is over. Thanks for support and prayers and hugs and things, all you remarkable people :)

Help!

I am not coping. Well I am, but just barely at times.

I hate the person I suddenly seem to have become, or suddenly seem to look like to others.

I hate people being hurt because of me.

I hate the fact that having the best of intentions seems to have little or no correlation to the way things turn out, and that life is not so simple as I thought, and that I'm going to have to grow up and change, again.

I hate the way I can't stop thinking about it all, and the way I'm so good at keeping on smiling and doing normal stuff (sometimes) when I feel like c*@p and I know it's just a facade.

I hate having to ask for help when everyone's got problems of their own, and when in a lot of ways I'm getting sick of talking about it all, and when there's nothing to be done anyway.

I hate the fact that this post is overstated and just feeding my unhappiness, and that I'm posting it anyway, and that I'm one of those irrational women who do things they know are stupid.

*

Only don't help this weekend because I'll be out of town. Or in fact after that because I have masses of work to do.

More love to all.

Also

I missed my blog's birthday last Friday. Was thinking about it all week, except Friday. So yeah. It's been a good year. Thankyou everyone.

Annoyed

I was this last night. Sometimes being cynical and taking the mickey out of absolutely everything is fun. Other times it can be a bit much, and last night I, for one, felt we were crossing the line in our conversation at the flat. It seemed completely incongruous to me that, after listening so attentively to the lady at the mosque, as she spoke in full earnest about her life and convictions, and after having such lively and constructive discussion afterwards at McD's, we seemed to abandon that respectful attitude when we got back to the flat. It's easy to pick holes in things, including our own faith and its followers, but I think we have a tendency to fall to mockery much too easily. This goes for last Monday night too. Surely, as people whose aim in life is to follow God, we should treat with honour those who are trying to do the same?

Apologies if this sounds stuck up - please note I am by no means exempt from this rant myself. But I thought it important enough to risk offense.

Love to all.
-K

Happy goodness

I currently have this.

This is because one of the guys at youth group told me today at church that he's been using the Bible study guide that I wrote and handed out last week, and has found it really helpful. He's a very good-hearted sort of a lad, whose previous attempt at reading the Bible (in post-Easter-Camp enthusiasm) consisted of starting from the beginning and getting stuck very quickly. But this time, with a bit of explanation about what's going on, and some idea of where to start, he's finding it much better and quite enjoying it. Hurray! I now feel all the work I did on it has been worthwhile. Even if his enthusiasm peters out after another week or so, hopefully he won't be so scared of the Bible in future, and will be able to start to make use of it in his life. Thanks God!

And world comes crashing down again

Why do people make friends with each other? In particular, why, considering the risks involved, do girls make friends with boys? For the first time, I can truly see why some people are afraid to love other people, for fear of being hurt. Why don't we just leave other people to their fates, and spare ourselves the pain of being involved? Then at least we wouldn't have to feel like we were to blame, and that, despite our good intentions, we had only made things worse by showing love to people.

NB: this does not relate to me and Mike. Or in fact to anyone any of you know

On the other hand, I do know why we have sisters: so they can give us hugs and buy us flowers when they come home and find us in a state.

Stuff

My tummy's making noises, and I think the guy at the next computer has noticed.

I don't know what 'roxxor' means, tho I'm guessing it's L33T or however you spell it, and I wish I did know.

I don't want to start working on my essays.

My parents get home from their holiday this evening and I should go home and clean up the house.

I think I am a flirt, though I don't mean to be, and I don't know how to be friends with girls. Except my sisters. I always wonder if people notice. Well you will now.

I wonder if I should do a nursing degree after this one, and learn some more Arabic, and go and work in an orphanage or a hospital in the Middle East.

I gave money this morning to a lady collecting for the Cystic Fibrosis (sp?) Foundation, and I'm wearing a classy red band round my wrist to prove it, but I don't actually know what cystic fibrosis is. It sounds bad. The red band clashes with my t-shirt.

I've done lots of exercise this week, and it feels great.

I would also quite like to go to Bangladesh and visit my sponsored child, Dolon. Only I don't know what I'd say.

The boys in the orphanage we visited in Thailand were really cool. That was one of my favourite things about the trip. I can remember most of their faces, but not many names. I think that was the only place I really thought 'I don't want to leave, I want to stay here and help.' Anyone read Little Men and Jo's Boys? I always thought that would be really cool. Not necessarily just boys though.

I love my friends.

Feeling better

Update on the last post: Thank God, I have made some progress. Thanks to those who expressed concern following the last post. I'm now making headway, thanks to our study on Monday night at cell group on discipline. I decided I really needed to get back into my old habit of [reading my bible and] praying before I go to sleep each night, in which I have been very lax over past months. Surprising though it may seem for a disciplinary exercise to take effect after just 2 days, it has done so. I was saying previously how I can't pray because I can never get past being guilty about not having prayed. Well, I spent Monday night's slot having it out over that, apologising and getting myself right again. And then, on Tuesday night, it all felt different, like I really could just discuss things with God again. So I think I'm back on track. Or getting there. If I can just keep it up.

Also last Sunday was better. Sometimes I find it helpful in my own worship to be on the music team, and sometimes I don't. This week I did. So that was nice. And the sermon was cool - very practical and inspiring :)

As for the intellectualism thing, of course there is an answer, which I knew all along, and shall try to apply more in future. It is, of course, to do with being humble and setting one's attitude aright.

This has been very ineloquent, but thought I'd just spit it all out whilst it's hot... mixed metaphors now... very bad. Meh.