En-rigmarole-ment

RRRAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!

Enrolment is like life - ought to be quite simple, but in fact inherently problematic.

My plan: do 2 normal English papers, 1 English research project, and 2 half-sized philosophy papers. (= one full time honours course)

Problem 1: you're not allowed to enrol for the research paper until you've had your proposal approved, and the approvals don't come through until the end of this week. Ok, I can deal with a little bit of uncertainty till then.

Problem 2: the selection of 1st semester philosophy papers is rather limited. Ok, I don't mind doing a paper on Sartre that I'm only mildly interested in.

Problem 3: only 3 people have enrolled in the first semester English paper I want to do, and for the lecturer to get paid for teaching it, there have to be at least 4. Solution: change it to a 'Directed Reading and Writing' paper with a different course code, in which there are no lectures, and we do all the research ourselves under the guidance of the supervisor, submitting a couple of essays along the way. Ok, it'll be a little more work but that's alright, it'll be good for me.

Problem 4: you're not technically allowed to do a research project and a directed reading paper the same year. Solution: persuade the co-ordinator that I can manage it, upon which (after looking at my previous grades) he agrees to overwrite the rule. Hurrah. But still have to change my enrolment to the new course code.

Problem 5: it turns out that the Sartre paper isn't being offered this year after all - despite the fact that it was listed on the website as going ahead, right up until 2 days ago, when I last checked. Tonight, when I looked again (to see if lecture times had been posted yet), it had changed to Plato, and had a different lecturer. What's with that? I'm guessing the Sartre one must have been last year's paper, which hadn't been updated to this year's topic. But come on philosophy department, the semester's started! Yeah. Raaarrr. So now I'm tossing up whether to change to something else or stick with Plato just to make things simpler, though as far as it goes I could take or leave it.

But ne'er mind. The world is full of bigger problems than mine, and I maintain a sunny optimism that it will all turn out alright in the end.

Me but not.

I seem to be becoming someone I don't much like. I am becoming angrier, more irritable, more cutting in my humour, less patient, more apathetic, more cynical, more bitter, feeling more helpless. Don't entirely know why - probably something to do with losing my grip on who I am, as a consequence of losing my grip on my beliefs, and on God, and on my relationships, and finding that I don't understand my own actions.

It's while I'm at work in particular that I seem to be like this. People have always told me I should be more assertive, stake my ground, not let myself be walked over. But looking at who I find myself being when I start to follow their advice, I'm inclined to think I had it right before. Which is weird because I love and respect my workmates. They've noticed it, and sometimes they cheer me on and say hurrah good on you for giving as good as you get. But inside I'm scared by what's coming out of my mouth, because I know what's in my heart. It's like I can feel a monster rising that should not be allowed to rise.

Maybe my teens have just finally caught up with me. I was never really a teenager.

Ah well. At least I've got my health.

hjartað hamast

My current favourite song. The vocal harmonies make my spine tingle. The lyrics are a little morbid but that's not always such a bad thing. It's funny how things you've heard a million times before, like a 1m-7-5m-6 chord pattern, and harmonies in parallel 6ths, can still seem new and fresh and startlingly beautiful.

Apparently these guys are playing in Auckland in April. Pity I shall be in England at the time. Also a pity they will have just left England by the time I get there.

Questions: is it idolatry to love works of art (e.g. music, books, paintings, people, nature)? To draw emotional/spiritual strength from them? Judaism, Islam and some branches of Christianity would all say yes. When does loving something turn into worshipping it? Or does it not matter as long as the beauty of the created thing directs one's heart toward God, and the worship goes to Him? Is it any different to loving the teddy bear your friend gave you because it reminds you of them? Is the love of goodness the same as the love of God?

Edit: oh yeah, and the orchestral part at the end of viðrar vel til loftárása is just flippin' genius. How do they, a) think of these things, and b) achieve them? I am at a loss.