This afternoon I sat in a chair and thought myself into a stew (not literally) for about half an hour, and I almost wrote a post about the bizarre twistings and contortions of my brain and my emotions during that time. It would have taken the form of a largely incoherent rant, beginning with a whole lot of things I don't like about myself, progressing through a discussion of the interconnectedness of my mind and emotions, with some mention of the meaninglessness of everything, but focusing mostly on my present dissatisfaction with myself.
But then I thought, does anyone really need to know all that stuff? What reason could I provide for off-loading all my junk on all of you? It's not that I'm afraid to tell you what I'm 'really' like; it's more that I'm not sure how much it's really a good idea to discuss. In short, I'm not sure it's a good idea to be completely open about oneself - possibly even with one's very closest confidantes. Sure, honesty's good, but when it comes to my own irrational rantings, maybe I'm better to keep them to myself, rather than let them loose upon the world.
For me, this is especially pertinent in the case of writing, as the written form is particularly powerful, for two reasons that I can think of. Firstly, one tends to say things in writing that one wouldn't necessarily be brave enough to say in person, and secondly, writing is more permanent, and thus more analysable (?) than just talking. Also for me, writing is my main way of ordering my thoughts, but a side-effect of this is that I seem to have developed this habit of
writing things into being, especially where my emotions are concerned. The actual act of writing/typing/whatever seems to fundamentally increase my belief in what it is I'm writing. So if I were to go ahead and give voice to my darker thoughts in this way, I would actually feel more bound by them than previously. So it wouldn't be a case of showing you the 'real' me, so much as actually
creating this crazy pseudo-Katherine-monster-of-doom, without whom the world is probably a better place.
As I've said before, I am extremely moody on the inside, but for whatever reason this doesn't seem to affect my outer mood, or my behaviour, or really anything in the world except my own mind. [Heh, a logical positivist would say that if something has no effect on the world detectible through sense perception, it is meaningless to discuss it; and a phenomenalist would say it doesn't exist at all. But I may be taking these ideas somewhat out of context :)] So what is the point in posting about that kind of thing, except perhaps to attract sympathetic comments to make me feel better?
Here endeth the meta-post.
