Carols anyone?

Does this time of year just make you want to abandon inhibition and, just for once, let forth in full voice and belt out the old yuletide tunes in a cosy, homely setting, accompanied by the sweet sounds of a piano, an accordian and possibly a saxophone? Do you get fed up with PC Christmas lyrics ('God rest ye merry people' and the like) and long to get back to the good old days when people knew how to use a little poetic licence without taking offence? Do you occasionally (or often) like to burst out into soaring harmonies (or something that you like to call harmonies and pretend was intentional), and are always looking for appropriate opportunities?

If so, you would fit right in at my family's carols night on Friday night. We'll be having about 30/40 people over - various friends and family and friends of friends - and any and all of you would be most welcome to join us if you wish. At my place (ask me if you don't know where it is) from about 7. It will be a hearty evening of merriment and cheer - especially if people bring tasty things for supper.

If you could indicate interest it would be handy, but if you don't get around to that, come anyway :)

I'm scared.

Of boys. I'm scared of nice boys and I'm scared of not-nice boys. I'm scared of my friends and I'm scared of strangers. I'm scared of myself being a girl.

I got butchered today. Treated like a piece of meat, that is. By two different pairs of guys in the space of two minutes as I was walking back to work from the bank. First a couple of seedy looking bogans who I passed on the footpath, and then a boy racer with his mate in the passenger seat. It's hard to explain the way it made me feel. Just kinda dirty I guess. Yet I wasn't being in the least provocative - I was just in t-shirt and jeans... Gah.

And then, I was on my own at work at the end of the day, waiting for the boys to get back to lock up, and this guy came into the office with a rifle. Seriously. I didn't quite notice at first how freaky that was. Turned out my boss was buying it from him - he'd seen it in the buy-sell and the guy was dropping it off and collecting the money. Only my boss had neglected to mention the fact to me. Couldn't get anyone on their cell phones to check it out, so just had to take the guy's word for it, and give him the cash. It was a bit scary though, coz there was just no way to avoid him seeing where the cash box was, and I was all alone and he had a flippin gun! He wasn't a scary guy though, fortunately - he only looked about 16 and he was quite friendly. But the whole thing made me feel really rather vulnerable.

As I was biking home, I got my head into a right spin about how it sucks to be a girl. Was thinking about a conversation I had with a male workmate yesterday, in which I threatened to give him the puppy-dog look, which I said was the only weapon I possessed, and he laughed and said 'That is not the only weapon you possess!' and said I was a very attractive young lady (he's married, and a Christian, and a good friend, and wasn't being dodgy). At the time I laughed, but the more I thought about it the more scared I got, and wondered if I ever do use that as a weapon, and thought how horrific it would be if I do, and thought once again about the merits of becoming a nun. Or at any rate going out and buying a new wardrobe full of baggy grey t-shirts and trackpants, abandoning all make-up, shaving my head and getting fat (mmmm ice-cream...).

I don't want to be looked at like that again and I want to be just a person instead of a girl and I never ever ever want to break any more hearts and I just want to be androgenous and cosy and safe all my days.