To Do Before Dying

(or some possibilities anyway)

1) Do some volunteer work of the 'really making a difference' variety, preferably quite hands-on, and preferably of some decent duration, not just a token gesture to make me feel good. Preferably involving general holistic people-helping, i.e. attending to material, emotional, spiritual needs etc. Hence long duration required. Could be overseas or at home.

Steps towards this:
--Be on the look-out for opportunities that fit my abilities.
--Do some study and/or training in the kinds of things that would be useful in such work, e.g. counselling, medical training, maybe ESOL teaching or admin or something that can get me in the door.
--Avoid setting my heart on anything that will end up crowding out this plan, e.g. high-flying career; getting married to someone who doesn't share this vision; getting too much 'stuff'.
--Get some money.
--Develop my character and faith.

2) Sort things out with Mike.

3) Sort out my theology, at least enough to be getting on with.

Steps towards this:
--Bible college?
--Study.
--Pray.
--Keep debating with friends :)
--Talk to family

4) Fix up my more glaring character defects, such as indecision, cynicism, selfishness of various kinds, laziness...

5)Write a book. Or several. Could be fiction or non.

6) LEARN as much as I possibly can about everything, and never stop doing so. On the list of things to know more about: history, theology, cooking, gardening, sewing, car maintenance, 'survival in the wild' type stuff, art, economics, photography, politics, people and cultures, languages (esp. Greek, Hebrew, Arabic - but any would do), first aid, literature (Dostoevsky, Hardy, all of Dickens, Tolstoy, Rumi...), as many musical instruments as possible (esp. guitar, drums, harmonica, tin whistle...), architecture and building, accounting, farming, sailing, interior decorating, general DIY...

7) Have a library. Like, an actual room, of the Dickensian variety, with every inch of wall covered with book-lined shelves, mahogany and crimson furnishings, a kind of musty atmosphere, a ladder for the ceiling-level shelves, a great big antique globe in the corner, and marble busts looming from on high... (or I might be able to make do with working in one)

8) Get married.

9) Have kids, ideally 4.

10) See the world. Especially the Middle East. This is in the optional category though.

11) Live simply and generously throughout life, possibly at the expense of my own financial security. This may be incompatible with 7 and 10. And possibly 9 I suppose.

12) Meet my sponsored child.

13) Sponsor more children.

14) Be the kind of friend others have been to me, and do all I can to see the people I love live good and happy lives.

15) Discipline myself in known areas of weakness: sleep habits, eating habits, exercise habits, work habits...

16) Find some mode of gainful employment that excites me. And, preferably, that I can actually do.

17) Learn to sing properly, so I can enjoy it.

18) Learn to scream.

...

Aqua-jogging = the good

Midlife Crisis

Or quarterlife or whatever. I think I am having one. Life is just incomprehensible to me at the moment. I can't give a coherent account of my recent behaviour. Well, that is, I can give several very different accounts which are all contradictory, and I just don't know what is inside my head, or what is motivating my actions, or who the heck I am. I don't know what life's about, I haven't a clue what I want from it, or should want from it, or should do with it, and I want to curl up into a ball and stay somewhere warm and safe for many long comfortable years, not disturbing anyone. I feel like I'm about to explode. There's just too much indecision in me to bear and still be functional.

There seem to be three paths open to me:

1) Figure out life before making any more decisions, and get everything right.

2) Give up on figuring out life, and just choose some path that has some justification, and make up my mind to live with the consequences.

3) Give up on rightness altogether, stop caring about people or morality or myself, and see what chaos I can create.

Obviously 2 is the right answer. But I can't make myself do it. There's just too many options in the world, and I'm afraid of getting things wrong. There's just too much at stake.

I feel like everything that's been churning away in me for the past year, and stuff going back much further than that as well, is about to have its revenge on me for being left unaddressed for so long. In the meantime, my emotions, beliefs, and general hold on life are up and down and coming and going until they make me seasick.

But I'm also afraid to talk to anyone about it all anymore, because when I talk to people I find myself coming away feeling like I've figured it all out, persuaded that life makes sense after all (even if only insofar as it uniformally makes no sense), but then later realising there was a lot more that I didn't address in the conversation, which really changes everything, and after all I'm back where I started.

(Nonetheless, thanks everyone who's taken the time for me recently. Just having you there makes it all that bit easier.)

Anywhere Out of the World

(by Dead Can Dance)

We scale the face of reason to find at least one sign
That could reveal the true dimension of life, lest we forget

And maybe it's easier to withdraw from life

With all of its misery and wretched lies, away from harm

We lay by cool clear waters, and gazed into the sun
And like the moths, great imperfection succumbed to her fatal charm

And maybe it's me who dreams unrequited love

The victim of fools who watch and stand in line, away from harm

In our vain pursuit of life for one's own end
Will this crooked path ever cease to end?