I'm starting to get this strange feeling of 'more-ness' in life - or rather, the possibility of more-ness, and a need for it.
Now there's a vague statement and a half :)
In my time at university, and especially over the last 18 months, I have exercised a rigorous training regime on my mind, in order to discover how far it could help me in my pursuit of truth, God and meaning in life. This journey has been frightening, rewarding and many other things, and it is far from complete.
However, I am coming towards the conclusion that it is time for me to move on from this phase of life - in a sense that is rather hazy in my mind, but is nonetheless impressing itself upon me with growing insistence. Clearly this is not something I'm likely to be able to explain very well, but I'm going to try, since it's important to me.
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My decision is based partly on a negative position and partly on a positive one.
The negative thesis is that the intellectual approach is not sufficient for arriving at truth. I think I knew all along that my intellectual searching would not lead to much certainty, and it has not; only to somewhat of a build-up of evidence (most of it consisting of 'gut feelings' and familiarity really, when I boil it down) for some things I suspect are probably true, and increased confusion about some other things. This is ok. I'm a philosopher, and an epistemological skeptic at that; I'm not afraid of uncertainty. But it does lead me to think that there's not much point pursuing this path much further, or at least, not depending on it solely.
Furthermore, I believe that thinking
about God and the good life will not in itself lead me to them in a full sense, even if I were to figure it all out. And anyway I'm tired - tired of not being able to pray because I am interupted by questions about what prayer really is, and who God really is, tired of not being able to praise my Father because I don't know if it's something He requires of us or not...etc.
The positive thesis is that there is - there must be - a further dimension of life which I wish to discover, which I suspect can only be discovered by going directly
to the Father Himself, not merely speculating about Him. This is the vague part, because obviously I don't know what I'm looking for. And I don't really know what I mean by 'going directly to God'. It's something that's always confused me - I don't know how one does this. But that, in a way, is the point: I don't know what I am looking for, because I'm launching into territory that is beyond the reach of my intellect. And I don't know what that means either.
Someone will no doubt respond with something like Meno's paradox: if you don't know what you're looking for, how will you know when you've found it? And if you do know what you're looking for, then you must know what it is, so there's no need to look (when it's matters of intellectual inquiry that is). I can only respond by saying: no, I don't know what I'm looking for, and maybe I won't know when I've found it, but my hope is that the quest will somehow bring me something worth having.
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So what do I mean to do? Well, I mean to end the period of emotional distance from God that I have been experiencing over the last year or so. Whether justifiably or not, this distance is coupled in my mind with the intellectual approach to faith. Perhaps it is just a coincidence that the two occurred at the same time. But in any case, I mean to discover again what it is to know God, to love God (and not merely to love His ways and His attributes), to seek and follow
Him in my life, beyond merely applying what I believe to be His principles to various circumstances. Though I mean to carry on doing that too. But I want to find out what it is to love prayer, to love scripture, to be aware of God's guidance - to delight in God, and not merely approve of Him.
I hope to discover for myself what it is that people talk about (people whom I respect and admire in the faith) when they speak of 'having Christ in us', and knowing the joy and comfort that come from intimacy with Him. These are things I have been brought up talking about and believing, but have not really known in a deep sense. I believe, mostly as a result of talking to people who have really found it to be so, that this simply must be the kind of god that God is - one who heals hearts and brings wholeness and joy, beyond just showing us how to live rightly. I have not experienced a lot of pain in my life, which is perhaps why I have been able to let this aspect of God slip out of my theology. But I want to come into this deeper sense of Being that I hear and read others talk about.
I'm starting to see that God is just Bigger than what I imagine Him to be, what I expect of Him. There's just More somehow. I know this because I've seen it in others - notably my Dad, who, for the first time in his life, has just been discovering all this for himself the last few weeks. After 30 odd years of very faithful pursuit of God and His ways, he has suddenly discovered what it is to
know and
sense the love of God, and the way He fills any and every deficit of love in a person's life. And Dad is also someone in whom I have always seen the joy of God, and a very deep and pervading peace and security.
Some of you might think I'm getting into dodgy ground here, back into the kinds of touchy-feely gush that we've been rather critical of. You might tell me this isn't biblical, perhaps. I don't know - I must confess I haven't read my bible much at all for quite some time (though I did discover 1Cor.8:2-3 the other night: 'The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God'); my evidence is purely from the experience of people I respect, and whose testimonies I cannot ignore without compromising that respect. I shall find out if I am right.
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And please note, I am
not saying any of the following things:
I'm not saying the intellectual exploits of the past year and a half have been a mistake. They have been, I think, an absolutely necessary part of my journey. I have learnt that I can (and may) face my doubts without fear. I have learnt which aspects of my faith are central and what is just froth, and what may be relevant for some and not for others. I have come to a deep awareness of God's call for us to live righteous lives and do what we can to be His agents in the world. And I know that, if I had not gone down this path of inquiry, asking the unaskable questions, I would always have wondered what would have happened if I had, and my life would have been tainted by fear of the unknown, fear of being wrong, and the suspicion that I was just following the crowd. Now, if those questions plague me again, I will not need to fear them, because I have discovered where that path leads. Also, it's been a lot of fun.
I'm not saying I will stop questioning things. I know I never will - it's just the way I am. There's so much I still don't understand, including some flippin' enormous issues like what Jesus accomplished. Rather than stopping my search for answers, my idea is to go on regardless, trying the experimental approach and seeing where it takes me, now that I've had a good go at the theoretical approach.
And I'm not saying I mean to take steps
backwards in my journey, and return to some idealised former time of closeness to God. Not at all. Even if I could go back to where I was 2 years ago, I would not, as I explained above. Rather, I mean to go forward, to see what closeness to God is like for a post-doubt Christian, to discover, I hope, that He can be just as real for me as He can for someone who has never asked the questions I've asked.
In short, I want to allow Him to surprise me, to show me Himself who He is.
I feel a kind of excitement and boldness in setting out on this journey. It seems at the same time absurd and completely natural; both a cop-out and a brave new venture. And it will require of me a feat of mental accrobatics as I try to find the balance between disciplining my mind and completely relaxing my hold on it (or its hold on me, perhaps). But I cannot be satisfied until I have seen where this path leads.
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Questions? Comments?
Love to all.
