I have become a spectator.

I was noticing it this weekend, at the two church services I went to (at two different churches). I don't sing much anymore, because I'm too busy analysing the words to see whether I agree with them. If I don't agree with them, I seem to automatically assume an attitude of aloofness, so the good stuff can't get in either. I keep my eyes open during prayer - which obviously is not so bad in itself, but is indicative of my inability/refusal to engage personally. I find it difficult to pray myself, either aloud in group settings or on my own. When listening to teaching, I think hard about the words being said and whether or not they're good and right, but I don't let in the good, and my attitude is probably a proud one. I bestow my intellectual assent where appropriate, and leave it at that. At least that's how it felt this weekend. When I talk about the service with people afterwards, we frequently fall to discussing the bad points. This is so with family as well as friends.

Is there any escape from intellectualism once one is hooked on it? Is it possible to 'let go' without compromising one's intellectual honesty?

I might add, cell group is probably an exception. There, amongst likeminded people whom I love and respect in a personal sense, my intellectual bent seems to find what it is seeking, in an environment that encourages questioning and discussion. When that happens I can get enthusiastic and can accept God's word for myself, and act on it. And there are other things too, of course, that help, such as nature and music.

Nonetheless, I feel very much at odds, regarding God. We don't talk; I study, and He does...whatever it is He does. When I do talk to Him, I either feel guilty about not having done so for so long, and consequently spend most of the time apologising and throwing excuses and questions and woes at Him, or else, if I decide to skip that part and act on the assumption that He accepts me when I turn to Him, I feel like a hypocrite.