Me but not.
I seem to be becoming someone I don't much like. I am becoming angrier, more irritable, more cutting in my humour, less patient, more apathetic, more cynical, more bitter, feeling more helpless. Don't entirely know why - probably something to do with losing my grip on who I am, as a consequence of losing my grip on my beliefs, and on God, and on my relationships, and finding that I don't understand my own actions.
It's while I'm at work in particular that I seem to be like this. People have always told me I should be more assertive, stake my ground, not let myself be walked over. But looking at who I find myself being when I start to follow their advice, I'm inclined to think I had it right before. Which is weird because I love and respect my workmates. They've noticed it, and sometimes they cheer me on and say hurrah good on you for giving as good as you get. But inside I'm scared by what's coming out of my mouth, because I know what's in my heart. It's like I can feel a monster rising that should not be allowed to rise.
Maybe my teens have just finally caught up with me. I was never really a teenager.
Ah well. At least I've got my health.
It's while I'm at work in particular that I seem to be like this. People have always told me I should be more assertive, stake my ground, not let myself be walked over. But looking at who I find myself being when I start to follow their advice, I'm inclined to think I had it right before. Which is weird because I love and respect my workmates. They've noticed it, and sometimes they cheer me on and say hurrah good on you for giving as good as you get. But inside I'm scared by what's coming out of my mouth, because I know what's in my heart. It's like I can feel a monster rising that should not be allowed to rise.
Maybe my teens have just finally caught up with me. I was never really a teenager.
Ah well. At least I've got my health.
posted by Kat | 2/07/2006 09:30:00 pm
4 Comments:
It maybee environmental. "Your eyes are the window to Your mind", Your ears might help to. I get a bit upset at how I'm influencing others too, mostly at work.
J
You're posting again!! yay! I don't know if it's entirely a bad thing, growing a spine and being able to tell people where to go.
However, as I am also discovering (being very similar to you in this aspect :D) there is a balance between the extremes of being "nice" i.e. a doormat, and telling people what you think of them i.e. being a bitch.
Sometimes it gets so that you feel so overwhelmed you just want to be nasty to people, but I think the way to deal with that is find a way to stand up for yourself but in a way that isn't belittling or insulting to the other person. If you're a logical, process, planning person (and I think you are?), maybe ask some close friends/family members to give you an honest appraisal of what they think you're like now, and ways you could do that, such as things you could say or do in certain situations. Sounds anal, but maybe it would help.
It's a really difficult process, because it means facing some fears and learning new ways of dealing with situations/people's personalities. I'm still figuring it out myself - so take all this with a pinch of salt!
Just because you're going through that process doesn't necessarily make you a bad person - it means you're growing up and becoming better able to deal with things (I hope!) and more versatile :D
Anyways, I think you're lovely and you've always been very considerate and kind to me :)
I still like you:)
Hmm... Your poetic language is again marvelous...
Anyway. Here's my thought: I don't think when people "grow up" and become adults that they don't get a better grip on things... they just get better at not having much grip =) They don't get things all sorted, they just get used to being unsure, uncertain, and not sorted...
Maybe much later on, we'll realise that we've actually got so good at not having a grip that we realise we don't even need one anymore... maybe we no longer need to hold on to a proverbial life-ring because we've learned to swim...
I don't really know... I'm just babbling. See... I don't really have any better idea... But I do know that most people seem to experience things like you describe above, and so I wouldn't worry too much about it... Still, I respect you for worrying about it =)
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