I'm scared.
Of boys. I'm scared of nice boys and I'm scared of not-nice boys. I'm scared of my friends and I'm scared of strangers. I'm scared of myself being a girl.
I got butchered today. Treated like a piece of meat, that is. By two different pairs of guys in the space of two minutes as I was walking back to work from the bank. First a couple of seedy looking bogans who I passed on the footpath, and then a boy racer with his mate in the passenger seat. It's hard to explain the way it made me feel. Just kinda dirty I guess. Yet I wasn't being in the least provocative - I was just in t-shirt and jeans... Gah.
And then, I was on my own at work at the end of the day, waiting for the boys to get back to lock up, and this guy came into the office with a rifle. Seriously. I didn't quite notice at first how freaky that was. Turned out my boss was buying it from him - he'd seen it in the buy-sell and the guy was dropping it off and collecting the money. Only my boss had neglected to mention the fact to me. Couldn't get anyone on their cell phones to check it out, so just had to take the guy's word for it, and give him the cash. It was a bit scary though, coz there was just no way to avoid him seeing where the cash box was, and I was all alone and he had a flippin gun! He wasn't a scary guy though, fortunately - he only looked about 16 and he was quite friendly. But the whole thing made me feel really rather vulnerable.
As I was biking home, I got my head into a right spin about how it sucks to be a girl. Was thinking about a conversation I had with a male workmate yesterday, in which I threatened to give him the puppy-dog look, which I said was the only weapon I possessed, and he laughed and said 'That is not the only weapon you possess!' and said I was a very attractive young lady (he's married, and a Christian, and a good friend, and wasn't being dodgy). At the time I laughed, but the more I thought about it the more scared I got, and wondered if I ever do use that as a weapon, and thought how horrific it would be if I do, and thought once again about the merits of becoming a nun. Or at any rate going out and buying a new wardrobe full of baggy grey t-shirts and trackpants, abandoning all make-up, shaving my head and getting fat (mmmm ice-cream...).
I don't want to be looked at like that again and I want to be just a person instead of a girl and I never ever ever want to break any more hearts and I just want to be androgenous and cosy and safe all my days.
I got butchered today. Treated like a piece of meat, that is. By two different pairs of guys in the space of two minutes as I was walking back to work from the bank. First a couple of seedy looking bogans who I passed on the footpath, and then a boy racer with his mate in the passenger seat. It's hard to explain the way it made me feel. Just kinda dirty I guess. Yet I wasn't being in the least provocative - I was just in t-shirt and jeans... Gah.
And then, I was on my own at work at the end of the day, waiting for the boys to get back to lock up, and this guy came into the office with a rifle. Seriously. I didn't quite notice at first how freaky that was. Turned out my boss was buying it from him - he'd seen it in the buy-sell and the guy was dropping it off and collecting the money. Only my boss had neglected to mention the fact to me. Couldn't get anyone on their cell phones to check it out, so just had to take the guy's word for it, and give him the cash. It was a bit scary though, coz there was just no way to avoid him seeing where the cash box was, and I was all alone and he had a flippin gun! He wasn't a scary guy though, fortunately - he only looked about 16 and he was quite friendly. But the whole thing made me feel really rather vulnerable.
As I was biking home, I got my head into a right spin about how it sucks to be a girl. Was thinking about a conversation I had with a male workmate yesterday, in which I threatened to give him the puppy-dog look, which I said was the only weapon I possessed, and he laughed and said 'That is not the only weapon you possess!' and said I was a very attractive young lady (he's married, and a Christian, and a good friend, and wasn't being dodgy). At the time I laughed, but the more I thought about it the more scared I got, and wondered if I ever do use that as a weapon, and thought how horrific it would be if I do, and thought once again about the merits of becoming a nun. Or at any rate going out and buying a new wardrobe full of baggy grey t-shirts and trackpants, abandoning all make-up, shaving my head and getting fat (mmmm ice-cream...).
I don't want to be looked at like that again and I want to be just a person instead of a girl and I never ever ever want to break any more hearts and I just want to be androgenous and cosy and safe all my days.
posted by Kat | 12/16/2005 09:47:00 pm
4 Comments:
Just randomly, have you seen king kong? Your thoughts remind me of my thoughts after watching it. Very cool, but a little scary in bits - you should watch it with nice boys. :)
Also - I hate to break it to you, but most people are helpless when someone comes in with a gun. Unless you happen to have a kevlar vest on, you are still helpless. Even the strongest guy would be helpless in the right (wrong) situation, that's just how life is; no matter who you are, you have a weakness. (Which is why all know fear).
True - although there was still the fact that he could have bashed me up and nicked off with the cash box if he'd wanted to - and just the realisation that I was alone and someone could walk in off the street like that.
Ever thought about getting a gun Yourself? I'm sure it will wipe that look off their faces, particually after the first few shots.
Thats interesting because I've felt somewhat similarly vulnerable whilst teaching. It's teenage girls that scare me, I can handle the rest.
I notice I take special note of how my girlfriend's dressed and what looks she gets when where out in public, people's glares rapidly diminish when they realise she accounted for.
At least I have a special ability... I get really really angry :-)
Take care
J
Yeah I suppose it's not just girls that get treated like meat is it.
And yes, I have thought about getting a gun myself - but only on the various occasions when you have interrogated me on the subject!
:P
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