Midlife Crisis
Or quarterlife or whatever. I think I am having one. Life is just incomprehensible to me at the moment. I can't give a coherent account of my recent behaviour. Well, that is, I can give several very different accounts which are all contradictory, and I just don't know what is inside my head, or what is motivating my actions, or who the heck I am. I don't know what life's about, I haven't a clue what I want from it, or should want from it, or should do with it, and I want to curl up into a ball and stay somewhere warm and safe for many long comfortable years, not disturbing anyone. I feel like I'm about to explode. There's just too much indecision in me to bear and still be functional.
There seem to be three paths open to me:
1) Figure out life before making any more decisions, and get everything right.
2) Give up on figuring out life, and just choose some path that has some justification, and make up my mind to live with the consequences.
3) Give up on rightness altogether, stop caring about people or morality or myself, and see what chaos I can create.
Obviously 2 is the right answer. But I can't make myself do it. There's just too many options in the world, and I'm afraid of getting things wrong. There's just too much at stake.
I feel like everything that's been churning away in me for the past year, and stuff going back much further than that as well, is about to have its revenge on me for being left unaddressed for so long. In the meantime, my emotions, beliefs, and general hold on life are up and down and coming and going until they make me seasick.
But I'm also afraid to talk to anyone about it all anymore, because when I talk to people I find myself coming away feeling like I've figured it all out, persuaded that life makes sense after all (even if only insofar as it uniformally makes no sense), but then later realising there was a lot more that I didn't address in the conversation, which really changes everything, and after all I'm back where I started.
(Nonetheless, thanks everyone who's taken the time for me recently. Just having you there makes it all that bit easier.)
There seem to be three paths open to me:
1) Figure out life before making any more decisions, and get everything right.
2) Give up on figuring out life, and just choose some path that has some justification, and make up my mind to live with the consequences.
3) Give up on rightness altogether, stop caring about people or morality or myself, and see what chaos I can create.
Obviously 2 is the right answer. But I can't make myself do it. There's just too many options in the world, and I'm afraid of getting things wrong. There's just too much at stake.
I feel like everything that's been churning away in me for the past year, and stuff going back much further than that as well, is about to have its revenge on me for being left unaddressed for so long. In the meantime, my emotions, beliefs, and general hold on life are up and down and coming and going until they make me seasick.
But I'm also afraid to talk to anyone about it all anymore, because when I talk to people I find myself coming away feeling like I've figured it all out, persuaded that life makes sense after all (even if only insofar as it uniformally makes no sense), but then later realising there was a lot more that I didn't address in the conversation, which really changes everything, and after all I'm back where I started.
(Nonetheless, thanks everyone who's taken the time for me recently. Just having you there makes it all that bit easier.)
posted by Kat | 9/10/2005 05:44:00 pm
4 Comments:
*hug* would it be at all comforting to know there's lots of us in the same boat? It may be a fairly leaky boat with peeling paint, but we're all there with you :)
You remind me so much of when I walked through this place to such an extent I wondered if I should simply make one final choice and end it all.
I wasn't successful, thank you God! Instead I chose to go forward one small step at a time. I called it a step of faith because I didn't know if it was right of wrong but at least it was my choice to do what seemed right at that time. Sometimes it was a bad step but at least I had chosen it and done it. That was 40 years ago!
I personally would trust you, you have what it takes to live a secure and successful life. Just do it one step at a time.
And there are so many people cheering for you as you do it! xx
Yeah. It sucks.
Just to be clear, the main issues I'm thinking of here are:
1) me and Mike, and what the heck's going on there, and what I should do and should have done.
2) my theology or lack thereof.
3) what to do with my life, starting with next year.
4) my flawed character, notably indecision and excessive pliability, and consequent uncertainty as to who I am *really* under all that.
All of these seem to suddenly be demanding my attention at once, and requring closure, which I have avoided giving them for far too long.
Cheers for comments.
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