Rhythm and space

On Sunday I attended morning liturgy at St Luke's. It turned out to be a rather startling experience. I was there half an hour early (accidentally), so had time to sit and reflect and enjoy the place for a while before the service. If any of you have seen the church I normally go to, you'll understand why I so appreciated the grace and beauty of this place, as I sat listening to the pipe organ, contemplating the artwork and watching the candles flicker, trying to reckon myself close to God.

When the service started, I got choked up almost at once. Partly because real incense is so wonderful, partly because there's a sort of emotional freedom in being anonymous in a crowd (that is, about 40 people), and partly because I guess I'm still not over the loss of being able to really participate in these kinds of things (blah blah, old story I know).

My heart felt very at home; something in me was answered by the gentleness, the dignity of it all. I like the rhythm of it, the annual cycle of the liturgy, the way it reminds you that you're part of the earth and the changing seasons, the regularity, the cleansing and starting afresh, the wonderful simplicity of what is said and done, the feeling of being part of a community. There was a pleasing blend of both privacy and togetherness. When I was brought to tears by the feeling of standing around the altar with the congregation, bathed in shafts of sunlight that suffused through stained glass and clouds of incense as I bared my heart to God, it was a very personal experience, but one that was somehow shared by those 40 strangers at the same time. I felt very welcome, and that I could be myself there, even though I was the only person there under about 45 years old, and the only one dressed like a hippy.

My poor mind, of course, couldn't completely settle, but only God needs to know what was in me, what I meant when I read the words off the page, why I stayed silent sometimes, what I meant by taking communion.

Edit: on rereading this a day later I find it sounds really wanky. Sorry about that. Take with a grain of salt.