More abstract ramblings (and a brief moan)

I'm sick. [sniffs] I'm getting a cold. [coughs pathetically] First one this year. [looks downcast] I really thought I'd get through another whole year without one. [ever-so-cautiously opens one eye to sneak a peek and see if anyone's looking sympathetic]

So anyway, a couple of my non-blogging friends have had a look at my blog this week. Their reaction: 'yes, you do think too much'. But of course I can't help it. Sigh. It's exhausting being me sometimes. It would be nice if I could work out just a slightly better balance between my inner and outer self - a little less of the shyness and social ineptitude, balanced by a little less of the profusion of inner 'ponderosity'. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not too hot in the small-talk and making-conversation-in-real-life departments. I always feel like I come across as quite aloof and unfriendly. [Hey, it's snowing!] But I'm not on the inside! (unfriendly, that is; not snowing - though the latter is also true.)

Part of it is that I tend to always start from an assumption that other people know more than I do, and I prefer to just listen and learn. I'm one of those people who always wants everyone else to be happy, and who prefers not to rock the boat by offering a contradictory view, at least unless I know the person well, or if I can bear a mistaken view no longer. Aka a coward? One day I'll have to get over that, and learn to be bolder. Jesus wasn't one to keep things smooth on the surface.

Slight tangent: maybe Sartre was right in his ideas about 'positing an ego', at least to some extent. Sartre thought we bring no distinct identity into the world with us when we are born, but learn to define ourselves in particular ways as we go through life, and then come to think we are limited by our 'personality traits'. So for example I have come to think of myself as shy, so now I fall back on that 'trait' as an excuse for my behaviour, when actually there is nothing to keep me from acting completely 'against my character' in the future. Sartre, if I remember correctly, took the idea further and suggested that the very concept of the 'self' is just such a mental construction too, which doesn't make much sense to me.

He had some other interesting ideas too, though. He thought the reason we posit egos is that, if we were honest, we would have to acknowledge that there is nothing to directly limit our behaviour in the world, and we could go ahead and do just anything. So, in fear of this chaos, we instinctively search for things by which we can gauge any 'truth' about the world, and we pretend there are things other than our own wills guiding our behaviour - 'personalities' - to lessen the burden of responsibility. He thought we posit ethical values for the same reason, which of course I don't accept.

His picture is rather bleak, and in some ways I think a good discription of what life would be like if we didn't have faith in God to hold onto. Still, it might be a helpful idea to see personalities as something we are not bound by, though once we accept the existence of God, the prospect of 'escaping' our personalities need not cause fear and uncertainty, but can be seen as real freedom.

Not that any of this makes it easier in real life for me to come out of my shell. Which might suggest Sartre was completely wrong and my personality is a real 'thing'. But no, God must be capable of overcoming it.

Blah blah blah. One day maybe I'll write about something in real life, and not just abstract speculation.