"We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities."
It strikes me that, while a man may conceivably live pretty much a whole life doing his own thing before 'settling down' and parenting at, say, age 50*, I, as a woman, don't really have that option. I have maybe 10 years left before I should definitely get onto that, if I want to do it; 5 if I want to be on the safe side; none if I want to be really safe and increase the chances of a healthy birth (for myself and the baby). Allegedly, I've just traversed the summit and it's all downhill from *right now*.
This kind of sucks. Because once I take that step, that's what will define my life from there on.
Until very recently, I thought I was totally fine with that. I have always liked to define myself in relation to others anyway, especially in terms of care relationships, and pretty much could hardly wait to be a mother and live out my days pouring my life into a few people that I loved. Now, having just kind of discovered my own identity, and the possibilties open to me, and that there are other things I want to do on my own account... well, it seems like that would have been a good thing to discover at 16, rather than 24, is all. I used to shake my head at the feminists who thought they needed more than a domestic life, because they obviously didn't see how rich and full that could be. I still kinda feel that way, and it's not particularly that I want to be 'recognised in the male sphere' or anything. It is just, purely and simply, that I want my own life for a while longer than I thought I would.
Oh, plus, the other part is: I'm extremely fraught over the issue of being, as a woman, cast in the role of a 'temptation' for men - the thing for which a man might choose to give up his personal quest, whatever it may be, and 'settle down'. I hate that. I don't want to do that to somebody.
So I guess the answer is for me to marry, at age 30, a 60 year old who has already lived a full life. Hm...
*yes I do realise that sperm count declines etc, but my understanding is that the time period is still longer for men, and there are fewer issues involved.
edit: oh yeah, these thoughts have been stimulated by reading the Earthsea Chronicles, particularly book 4, if that means anything to anyone. The hero of the books does precisely that - I think he's actually in his 60s when he eventually gets laid and gets married, having reached the end of his career as a mage and doer of noble deeds. But the woman in question, by this stage, has already given up her life as a self-determining 'hero' 25 years ago, married, been all domestic and had a family, and been widowed; this is round 2 for her. The way it's described in the book made me sort of sad.
This kind of sucks. Because once I take that step, that's what will define my life from there on.
Until very recently, I thought I was totally fine with that. I have always liked to define myself in relation to others anyway, especially in terms of care relationships, and pretty much could hardly wait to be a mother and live out my days pouring my life into a few people that I loved. Now, having just kind of discovered my own identity, and the possibilties open to me, and that there are other things I want to do on my own account... well, it seems like that would have been a good thing to discover at 16, rather than 24, is all. I used to shake my head at the feminists who thought they needed more than a domestic life, because they obviously didn't see how rich and full that could be. I still kinda feel that way, and it's not particularly that I want to be 'recognised in the male sphere' or anything. It is just, purely and simply, that I want my own life for a while longer than I thought I would.
Oh, plus, the other part is: I'm extremely fraught over the issue of being, as a woman, cast in the role of a 'temptation' for men - the thing for which a man might choose to give up his personal quest, whatever it may be, and 'settle down'. I hate that. I don't want to do that to somebody.
So I guess the answer is for me to marry, at age 30, a 60 year old who has already lived a full life. Hm...
*yes I do realise that sperm count declines etc, but my understanding is that the time period is still longer for men, and there are fewer issues involved.
edit: oh yeah, these thoughts have been stimulated by reading the Earthsea Chronicles, particularly book 4, if that means anything to anyone. The hero of the books does precisely that - I think he's actually in his 60s when he eventually gets laid and gets married, having reached the end of his career as a mage and doer of noble deeds. But the woman in question, by this stage, has already given up her life as a self-determining 'hero' 25 years ago, married, been all domestic and had a family, and been widowed; this is round 2 for her. The way it's described in the book made me sort of sad.
posted by Kat | 4/20/2009 01:23:00 pm
11 Comments:
You said, you're living out your teenage rebellion
Ten years late,
And I agreed; I know, for my part,
I'm forever ten years behind.
I think I know the feeling,
although I'm a man, and the batteries in my biological clock
Might run down more gradually.
Look at it like this:
Now you're smart enough to know
what you're rebelling against
And what it means giving up.
So, are you looking for set ups?
Just adopt an orphaned baby whenever you feel like it, duh.
Hardly solves the biological urges part though.
Oh also, disclaimer, before anyone else says it first: yes, I do realise that I can't have everything, and should be grateful to even have all these options, rather than moaning about the difficulty of deciding. And I am grateful, and mean to prove it by making decisions when the time is right, and living by them, and never looking back.
Yeah, I hear you. I've noticed some of my female friends who were unconcerned about being single a few years ago are now getting a bit worried, and it's not just because they don't have a partner - heaps of the worry is that they won't be able to have kids.
I'm not one of those uber-clucky girls (you might have noticed), but I'd still like to be able to have kids one day. It's getting a bit scary to realise that at the current rate, I probably won't. Eek. Sometimes I wish I was a guy so that I had those extra options/years.
read guns germs and steel by jared diamond and forget about your selfish biological urges
Well in the last couple of years I've managed to convince myself to want a small family instead of a large one, for the kinds of reasons that I assume are in the book. So I'm part way there... And am I right in thinking that having kids later in life reduces population congestion? (if everyone does it I mean)
more just the idea that enough kids already don't have mothers and a child born into a Western society will use up approximately 50x the resources that one born into a third world country would, so like either make the best use of scarce resources by devoting what you would have put into having a child of your own into saving those who need it more from poverty or adopt one of those kids who but for you adopting them would otherwise live a life of suffering which they had no choice in being born into should you choose to create an extra person and put the world's already scarce resources into that
Well in the last couple of years I've managed to convince myself to want a small family instead of a large onethis is kinda irrelevant to this thread but what you wrote kinda make me think of it and i just had to let this gripe out...
i fucking hate vegetarians who are vegetarians because they give a shit about the environment and shit, because the truth is once they hear about some 'sustainable' way to farm meat then they'll happily go back to eating it. besides being the number one pollutant to the environment (18% compared to cars at 13%), the primary reason why one ought to be a vegetarian is for animal rights, not that Green Party bullshit you always hear Al Gore fans and Earth Aid (or whatever that concert was called) meatheads talk about
check this out Katherine, a girl going through a similar dilemma as you and is going to do something about it:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/02/21/dying-woman-spends-40-000-on-plastic-surgery-to-look-like-demi-moore-115875-21141814/
Nice post, you may be interested in knowing that there is a fair bit of research into looking at extending the safe fertile period for women and delaying menopause by ~10years happening at the moment. So things might work out :)
Apparently some guys are still fertile in there 80's...
With regards to the temptation bit. I suspect that "true" love tends to kill such worries rather effectively. While managing to leave both people much happier than previously. One thing I read suggested there was difficulties biochemically in telling the difference between love and an addiction. If so it's an addiction that most of us would welcome :)
Another thing I read suggested that the period between marriage and the Kids can be one of the most productive and success full for men, though at the same time men tend to be a bit less radical in that time period. Effectively producing excellent but always revolutionary work.
With regards to the Earthsea books hope you enjoyed them. I personally consider the first two to be amazing! Also if you want to read some of the authors other good books try to track down some of her Science Fiction short stories they're very very interesting character focused works, that are well worth reading!
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