Million dollar idea

Someone needs to invent, like, the equivalent of a home pregnancy test, but for madness. You know, something that glows blue if you have a healthy dose of madness, purple if you're seriously eccentric, and red if you're completely off your rocker. Then I could find out whether what I sometimes suspect is true, without having to watch and wait to see if I start developing crazy twitches or other such symptoms. Also if I am mad, it would be great for if I wanted to commit any heinous crimes - I could totally get away with it, just by pleading insanity. Yus.

Another side bonus would be, I could try adopting in turn each of the 4 or 5 worldviews between which I am currently oscillating (rather frantically and at an increasing rate, churning up a great deal of mental dust in my wake), and take the test for each one. Then I could just choose the paradigm that involved the least amount of insanity.

Although...on second thoughts, chances are the most comfortable, mentally placatory paradigm will be the least connected with reality. So the one that spins me out the most and requires the greatest feat of intellectual acrobatics to comprehend - or better yet, the one I don't comprehend at all - is the way to go.

I think I need a hug. And possibly some form of sedative. Or maybe just a mindless, menial, minimum wage job to help me keep my mind within a safe, constrained sphere (not to say padded cell) of operation. Luckily my qualifications will probably come in handy for this...