What I Have Done
Yesterday I hopped on TradeMe, found a part time job to supplement the hours I do at my current job, and an hour and a half later I had a job. I will not enjoy this job (it's similar to what I'm already doing but a little less interesting and more frustrating), and it pays just above minimum wage.
The moment I got back home from my interview I was hit with a wave of emotion, and realised that I was pretty upset with what I'd just done, even though I had done it in full knowledge of what it meant.
It means the end of my dreaming about getting out of office work and doing something that, like, maybe involves movement of some kind at least. It represents the eclipse that occurred in my mind a couple of weeks ago, when I realised that if I actually want to get to Europe, I'm just going to have to suck it up and keep selling myself as a machine for a bit longer, because my experience in this field is the only marketable skill I have that will fetch me anything above minimum wage. So I won't be trying anything new. I had blithely hoped that there might be other possibilities, but after looking and trying for 2 months I came up with nothing and ran out of time, so I am ready to concede defeat. Glad I tried, at least.
Today, after having drawn up a budget for the next 8 months and found that I'm still not going to be able to reach my savings target even though I'm up to full time now, I am finding myself having the following kinds of thoughts: "How can I be a better employee? What can I do to actually exceed expectations, and attract sufficient attention to get a raise? What strategies can I put in place to reduce the time-wasting that occurs when I try to remain a balanced and holistic individual while at work? (you'll notice that I waited till my lunchbreak to post this, for example) How can I learn to shut down the unnecessary parts of myself during working hours, so that it won't hurt so bad when they start to go hungry? How can I train myself to turn off my mind and not think about what it is that I'm doing and contributing to, and just do it unthinkingly, as I'm paid to?"
I know this is all terribly melodramatic of me, since it's only for another 8 months, and then I'll be as free as a bird, and when I come home I can hopefully set about crafting my life a little better. And with a longer stretch of time ahead of me I might be able to make some better changes, because hopefully my immediate needs won't be quite so urgent. And yes, I know others have bigger problems.
Still... Something about this makes me really angry, pathetic though that may be.
"Sue was always much affected at a picture of herself as an object of pity, and she saddened." ('Jude the Obscure') That line has always stuck in my mind. It's so me. And in feeling ridiculous in response to it, I suppose I'm just doing it again.
Edit: I'm now wondering whether or not I could cope with a third job...
The moment I got back home from my interview I was hit with a wave of emotion, and realised that I was pretty upset with what I'd just done, even though I had done it in full knowledge of what it meant.
It means the end of my dreaming about getting out of office work and doing something that, like, maybe involves movement of some kind at least. It represents the eclipse that occurred in my mind a couple of weeks ago, when I realised that if I actually want to get to Europe, I'm just going to have to suck it up and keep selling myself as a machine for a bit longer, because my experience in this field is the only marketable skill I have that will fetch me anything above minimum wage. So I won't be trying anything new. I had blithely hoped that there might be other possibilities, but after looking and trying for 2 months I came up with nothing and ran out of time, so I am ready to concede defeat. Glad I tried, at least.
Today, after having drawn up a budget for the next 8 months and found that I'm still not going to be able to reach my savings target even though I'm up to full time now, I am finding myself having the following kinds of thoughts: "How can I be a better employee? What can I do to actually exceed expectations, and attract sufficient attention to get a raise? What strategies can I put in place to reduce the time-wasting that occurs when I try to remain a balanced and holistic individual while at work? (you'll notice that I waited till my lunchbreak to post this, for example) How can I learn to shut down the unnecessary parts of myself during working hours, so that it won't hurt so bad when they start to go hungry? How can I train myself to turn off my mind and not think about what it is that I'm doing and contributing to, and just do it unthinkingly, as I'm paid to?"
I know this is all terribly melodramatic of me, since it's only for another 8 months, and then I'll be as free as a bird, and when I come home I can hopefully set about crafting my life a little better. And with a longer stretch of time ahead of me I might be able to make some better changes, because hopefully my immediate needs won't be quite so urgent. And yes, I know others have bigger problems.
Still... Something about this makes me really angry, pathetic though that may be.
"Sue was always much affected at a picture of herself as an object of pity, and she saddened." ('Jude the Obscure') That line has always stuck in my mind. It's so me. And in feeling ridiculous in response to it, I suppose I'm just doing it again.
Edit: I'm now wondering whether or not I could cope with a third job...
posted by Kat | 11/27/2008 12:58:00 pm
4 Comments:
Fuck, you're SAVING to go overseas? How boring and cliched.
Yarr, work. Grr. Not that I have anything to complain about; my work environment is better than most, and the job is well-paid, and I get free wine on Thursdays and Fridays. But still, feh. I don't care about software. Bah.
My advice: Get up early. Do some exercise most days. Keep thinking about how great your trip next year will be. Keep doing small things that help you get ready to leave. These are things that I do.
That makes me sad and angry at the world.
My advice: get a hold of a book called the richest man in Bablyon it's is worth its weight in gold
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